Why I love looking at Stars
by Conjera
Summary: Amelia has had it. She's done. She sick of feeling like a failure, of feeling unworthy. She's not good enough to be America anymore, it's time to pass the title on to someone else. But then again... maybe there's hope after all Fem!America Warning: Suicidal thoughts/attemps
1. Chapter 1

Amelia sat on the edge of her building staring up at the stars above her twinkling high above her. She breathed in the night air as she tried to find the two dippers up in the sky. Ever since she had been a small girl, staring up at the sky from Vinland's lap, she had loved that set of stars.

" _The bigger of the two."_ She had told Amelia and Matthew one night while they sat around a small fire. " _It's the older sibling, like me. It's job is to protect the other from dangerous spirits who try to take it away. Who wish to hurt it… only, only truly worthy one's are allowed near the littler one."_

" _Do you ever think I could take the little dipper?"_ Amelia had asked innocently.

" _If you prove yourself to be worthy."_

Amelia felt a hot tear run down her face at the memory, one of her most treasured of her older sister, and felt shame cloud her thought. Worthy… She had reached the moon…. but she would never be worthy enough to reach the little dipper. She took a shaky breath as she listened to the sounds of the street below her. People moving, bustling, going on with their lives though everything around them was falling apart.

Bitterly she felt a few more tears, more unworthiness, fall down her cheeks. This is what she had become. An uncaring, cold, ignorant people. People who listened to the lies they were told, and didn't challenge them. If anyone did they were mocked and persecuted for daring to know the truth. She took another breath, trying to calm herself from these harsh feelings, willing them to not be true.

Trying to distract herself, she took another breath and listened, as only a nation could, to the city streets below her.

"Did you hear Janice?"

"What Tracy?"

"An officer on fifth was shot?"

"Was he killed?"

"Thankfully no."

"…Well, better luck next time."

Amelia sucked in air and tried to keep breathing, quickly turning to another conversation.

"Hey Mikey! Where you been dog!"

"Aye man! My Aunt busted me with some dope, said I couldn't leave the house. Started talking shit about drug tests and whack crap."

"Whatcha do?"

"I told that bitch she couldn't control me and I snuck out the back window! Jus cause the mother effing court says I gotta stay with that ho don't mean shit! You'll see. My Pop's gonna get me when he's outta jail! we gonna score big together man!"

Amelia felt a wave of nausea at the blatant disrespect and tried to listen to another, but the sheer fear of hearing something worse made her stop. She came back to her surroundings, feeling like she was breaking the surface of the water. her unworthiness streamed down her face, but now she didn't stop them. What was the point. This, this is what her people had become. Long had she fallen from the founding father's dream of a republic, and now, now she saw there was no way she could ever revive that golden dream.

She was a failure.

She let that revelation wash over her as she looked up at the sky, sickened by her shame and misery. This was her now. This was America. She heard the sounds from the streets calling to her, beckoning to her, and she closed her eyes tightly.

Everyone was right. She was a failure. She was a fluke. She was a pig. She was a wench and troll and now, now she was turning into a socialistic slob! Heat rose in her throat and she thought back to her meeting today. All the other nations seemed to want her to be gone as America. Her own boss had asked how he could make a new one. She was too weak to compete with the greed and the corruption taking over. Too weak to handle all the hate that she received…

It was time to give up.

She looked once more up at the two dippers in the sky and tried to keep her breathing steady as she thought of Vinland. Long ago she and Matthew had saved the girl by making her the representation of Newfoundland, no one knew there were technically two personifications of Canada running around. Amelia took another deep breath and felt a small wave of peace thinking of how once more Vinland would run her own land again. She would be a far greater America than Amelia could ever be. She was a fierce Viking, the last thing she was, was weak.

Amelia took one last breath and closed her eyes, saving the picture of the two dippers, and let herself lean back.


	2. Chapter 2

"Amelia!"

Amelia felt someone grab her arm and pull her forward right as she was about to fall from the building. She opened her eyes as she was pulled off the ledge and onto the roof. She looked around widly, trying to figure out what was going on. Finally she noticed bright blue eyes staring into hers concerned.

"Amelia, are you okay?" Denmark was looking over her for any visible injuries or marks.

"I-I" realization of what she had almost done crashed over her a she stared at Matthias, as he grabbed the top of her head and moved her neck gently.

"Does that hurt at all."

"I-i-I I don't …n-no." She took a shaky breath and looked at her hands, which where trembling uncontrollably.

"Jeesh, you gave me a heartattack! What were you doing?!" Amelia flinched as he yelled at her. "If you're tired don't sit on the ledge of a roof!" Amelia blinked in surprise and confusion as the Nordic looked at her worriedly. "You almost fell of the damn building! You need to be way more careful, ja?"

Amelia stared at him and his expression softened a little. "At least, if anyone asks, that's what happened, right?"

Something snapped and before she registered what she was doing Amelia leapt at the Danish man and clung to him sobbing. Matthias didn't tense or react at all, all he did was wrap his arms around her and let the super nation bawl. He stroked her hair and whispered a few things in Danish, but made no move to push Amelia off or silence her.

After a few minutes her sobs grew quieter and she started to breath a little hitched. Finally the girl pulled away and dried her eyes on her sleeve. Matthias stared at her, and she looked at the rooftop, avoiding his gaze. Finally he looked up at the sky and Amelia felt shame was over her fresh. now she never would be worthy. Vinland would have been so disappointed in her. She tried to not let the tears start, and clutched at her jeans desperately.

"Amelia." A hand reached over and put itself on top of her's in a caring, almost loving way. "Amelia, what's wrong?" She remained silent, willing herself not to cry again. "Was it the meeting today?" She tightened her grip on her clothes, and Matthias took that as confirmation. "When I see that jackass Mexico tomorrow I'll punch him in the, what do you Americans say? Kisser? Ja! right in the kisser!"

Amelia felt a small wet chuckle escape her throat, even though she really didn't find it all that funny. After another moment she finally asked, "A-And I-Ivan? Ch-China? What a-about them? O-or…" She trailed off at the hurt welling in her chest. "F-F-F… Fran…"A small choked cry came out and she firmly closed her mouth.

"France! I'm killing that Pastry loving, coffee drinking, ass kissing bastard! his own sister!" Disgust colored his voice. "Berwald and I may have gotten into shit before, but to say that a personification should be replaced- especially family!" He stopped as he saw the raw pain and fresh tears on the American's face. "Don't let those people bug you. They aren't worthy of knowing you."

More pain billowed in her chest and a small, almost hysterical laugh escaped her lips as she finally looked over at the man. "T-that's the whole prob-problem isn't it? I-I-I'm the unw-unworthy one! I d-don't deserve to be A-America!"

Matthias stared into the girl's eyes and grabbed her face in gentle but firm way. "Don't say that. Never say that." He made her hold his gaze, even though she tried to look away. "God put you here as America, no one else. Not Ivan, Yue, not Martine and sure as hell not Francis! He put Amelia F. Jones here! And you know what? My time as a nation, which might I add is longer than yours, has shown me one thing over and over again. The right personification is always the one who runs the country."

Matthias looked fiercely at her as her tears seemed to slow, "Amelia, a nation isn't defined by the issues of the day, the bosses we have or the opinions of other countries. It's defined by the heart of the people."

"I-I'm s-screwed then."

"I think Japan would disagree." He smiled sadly at the girl. "It wasn't even five years ago that your people raced to be sure he was okay and to make sure his people could survive. Not five years ago the Haiti needed you and responded fivefold of what you needed to. You've helped Taiwan, China, Germany, Korea, Chile, Mexico, Me… and many others without a second thought. You and your people race at the opportunities to help other nations, never asking what reward you'll get out of it… You just do it."

Amelia still didn't feel sure and his face softened even more as he looked over her shoulders and at the building across the street. "I see a lot of hope in this country Amelia… Look." He turned her towards the other building and let go of her as she scanned the windows. Most had their curtains drawn and lights off at this time of night, so she soon found the room he was sre Matthias had been looking at.

In the apartment, a young man was standing near the window, holding his child as she fell asleep. His wife was next to him, leaning her own head on his shoulder as they watched the little baby contently. Her heart melted as she observed the mixed cultured family, wthe dad being African American, and the Mom seemed to be a European background of some sort. Then she noticed one more thing. The mom was wearing Air Force blues.

She stared at the scene, unable to tear her eyes away from the beauty and simplicity of it. The husband turned and looked at his wife, who smiled and kissed him quickly, before she reached to take the child herself. It made Amelia want to cry, not of sorrow, but pure joy for the love they obviously had.

Matthias put his hand on her shoulder and smiled at her. "That is the American people, the American dream."

She nodded, and finally turned away and looked at the taller man, who was smiling a very goofy sort of smile at her.

"I saw dinner at the end of the street, how about we go get some food? it's open right?"

"R-right."

* * *

Amelia sipped her coffee quietly as she stared at the man sitting across the table from her. He had a piece of peach pie he was eating, looking a bit confused. After another few bites he looked at Amelia, obviously unable to hold in his question any longer.

"I thought you only served Apple Pie here?"

She snorted slightly and set her mug down, trying to not roll her eyes. "No, apple is the most American pie, but we have others. Normally you get more blueberry in New York, tonight is the exception it seems. If you go to Georgia that's more peach pie, and Michigan is famous for its cherry."

"But Apple is the end all be all, 'merica pie flavor?"

"Correct."

"…Why?"

She grinned deviously. "Because it's my favorite."

Matthias chuckled and took another bite. "I bet it's the sugar in the crumble huh?"

"No, no." She shook her head and looked scathingly at him. "You're referring to Dutch apple there. American Apple has pie crust on top."

"…I see." He thought for a moment. "That's the only pie you can really claim American style too, so that's why it's the favorite, right?"

"It was the first big one." She stated, smiling as the waitress came over and poured her another cup of coffee. Amelia waited until she left before adding, "But it really is my favorite." Matthias snorted in amusement and went back to eating his pie, shaking his head a bit at the American. She watched him eat and a small question buzzed in the back of her mind. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you stop me?"

Matthias stopped moving, bite midway to his mouth, as he stared at Amelia. He set it down and looked at her gravely. He slowly reached over, picked up his mug and took a long drink, never taking his eyes off of her. When he finished he took a breath and finally, he looked out the window.

"You want to know why I love looking stars?"

"…"

"I love them because they're endless. I mean, yes, all thing have an end, but… but stars they have an unlimited amount of possibilities to them." He looked solemn as he looked into his reflection in the glass in front of him. "There was a really dark point in my life, when I never really noticed them. They were a compass, not a damn thing more… during that time in my life… I tried to kill myself."

Amelia froze, mug on her lips, unsure of what she should do or say. Matthias looked down at his mug and continued. "During that time in my life I was a force to be reckoned with. I was big, I was powerful, and I was cruel. God, was I cruel. I treated my underlings like servants and my family… Berwald decided he couldn't take it and he left. Tino followed. Norge and Ice stopped speaking to me, partly because they were afraid to. I was alone.

"Then one day I heard horrible news. There was talk going around that Norge was going to take Ice and leave just like Berwald had. I looked into my mirror long and hard that day… and I was disgusted by everything I saw. I hated myself… I thought about changing… but then a servant came in with news from my boss. He-He wanted me…" Matthias trailed off a little, composing himself. "He wanted me to punish Norway for the rumors he heard. Just the personification. I'm not going to explain but… I couldn't do what he wanted me to do. I tried to talk to my boss, but he ending up stabbing me."

Amelia watched as he grabbed on the sleeve of the hoddie was wearing and rolled it up so she could see a long thin cut on his bicep. "Only two things ever actually scare us. The wounds inflict from other personifications and the wounds made by our own people." He rolled his sleeve back down and sighed. "That night I decided there was no saving my country. There wasn't much hope unless someone took over."

"I went to this ridge right on the coast and got ready to jump. It was winter and the waves where crazy that day. I remember thinking that it would be a few days before they found me due to a blizzard, but I was ready. I was done. I felt tired. So tired of being cruel, of being alone." He looked at Amelia now. "Of being a failure." She gulped and took a small sip of her lukewarm coffee. He smiled suddenly. "I got ready to jump, and my feet were just hitting the ground when out of nowhere this troll tackled me into the snow. Turns out Norge had seen me heading out towards the cliff and figured out what I was going to do."

"I just laid there in the snow, crying because I wanted to die, I was so sick of living, and Lukas came up to me. He sat down by my head and all he said was _you moron._ " He snorted a little and looked at Amelia, "In Norge speak that roughly translates to I love you and you're being dumb… He hadn't spoken to me in months… and now there he was saving my life. I looked at the sky spread out before me, crystal clear… and I saw a million chances I had just been given staring back down at me." He took a drink of his coffee and stared at Amelia. "That is why I saved you. If I can fix myself, then anybody can."

Amelia stared for a moment before nodding slowly and waving down the waitress for one more cup of joe. After the lady came, with Matthias throwing in an order for two more pieces of pie (apple preferred,) she smiled.

"Thank you for being on the roof tonight."

Matthias smiled and raised his mug to the blonde. "It was my genuine pleasure." Amelia raised her glass in return and took a nice long drink. As she swallowed Matthias added, "By the way, I really am punching people tomorrow."

* * *

"NOT ZE FACE!" Amelia tried to fight the smile coming to her face as she passed by the coffee room, but found she couldn't. Gilbert, hearing the noise, raced forward to help France, when Norway stopped him from entering.

"Nope. He earned it." Hearing Lukas agree with Denmark's actions caused the East half of Germany to stop and stare at Danish walking out of the room.

"Does the awesome me want to know?"

"Depends. Do you need a reason to punch France in the face?"Gilbert looked unsure, but shook his head no. "Then I can't tell you because you will want to punch him."

"I always can though." Arthur said as he left the room with a clear glass of tea. "What did the frog do now." England came up and Matthias shot a look at Amelia, who seemed hesitant to let her former guardian know. Arthur noticed this though and looked at Matthew, who was walking in.

"Er… Ah! Canada!" Matthew jumped and quickly tried to hide the hockey stick he was holding. "Do you know what France did to get a beating from Denmark?" Matthew looked shocked and came over.

"No, but I know why I punched him yesterday. He said Ami wasn't fit to be a personification."

"WHAT!" "Wait, that's what he said!"

The room dropped ten degrees and Arthur looked over at Amelia, with a deadly calm on his face. "Love, is this true?"

"Ah…" Amelia looked shocked at the concern and anger showing on Arthur's face. She looked over and took a small step back at the furious and expectant looks Norway and Gilbert where sharing.

"It wasn't just him." Denmark shared. "It was also Ivan, Martine and Yue." At the surprised and somewhat betrayed looks he was receiving he added, "I overheard them yesterday. I was planning on getting a punch in on each of them today."

"I see. Well, I think we'll need to go over a small list of do and do not say in the meeting today." Arthur said coldly. "I Norway, could you meet me in the basement with Vlad in ten minutes." Amelia opened her mouth in shock as he nodded and stalked off.

"I think me and Spain should remind Martine and Francis what it means to be a personification." Gilbert chuckled darkly. "I think I'll get Ivan too." He looked positively frightening with his red eyes glowing, so much that Denmark actually took a step back. Gilbert looked over at Matt, then he blinked clearing the bloodthrist from his face and instantly replacing it with confusion. "Why do you have your beating stick birdie?"

Matthew sheepishly looked at his hockey stick and then at Amelia. "You're my twin. I knew something was up and… I knew it wasn't nothing when you passed by me… So I kind of looked up the footage of when you where in the breakroom. I couldn't here it, but I figured out it wasn't good." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Look, I know we don't see eye to eye, but without you, my economy would crash within five minutes. So, don't take what they said to heart. He then pulled her into a hug and whispered. "lso don't forget twin. I know what you tried to do last night and If you try again I will kill you myself." Amelia nodded and hugged him back. When he let go he looked at the other two. "I ran into Ivan on the way here. Let me know if you see Belarus, okay? She may be looking to kill me."

"I knew that was fresh blood!" Gilbert said gleefully. "Want to join me in Spain in the their beat downs?"

"Id someone going to get China?"

"you do that." Arthur said, ruffling his hair. "Now we better get to it!" Arthur clasped Amelia on the shoulder as he went past and nodded at Matthias. Matthew grabbed his hand and just shook it. Gilbert, looked confused as he followed the taller blonde twin. Matthias chuckled and looked over at Amelia, who looked dumbstruck by what had just happened.

"See? Everything gets better."

"…" She stared a moment longer at the shrinking backs of everyone before she smiled at Matthias. "Thanks."

"ja, ja." He waved it off, then smiled deviously. "So, does this mean I'm the hero's hero?"

Amelia rolled her eyes, but smiled at him. "Actually, I think I'll let you keep that title."

"Wha? Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I think you earned it."


End file.
